Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize