what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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