the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dear god my vagina.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
