You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Vodka?
Forever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize