yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dear god my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
