Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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