he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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