did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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