my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
