Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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