so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
