I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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