I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
