my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
