So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
