I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
