I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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