I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
