I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
