just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
