dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
