I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
