I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
