It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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