it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
