new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
