Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
