and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
