there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
