Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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