i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
