I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
