Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
