I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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