it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
