I just threw up on my dentist
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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