im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
