Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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