while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
