new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
