Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize