The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
