Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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