you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
