K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
