He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
