i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
