i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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