Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
