if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
