I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We're too hungover to prance.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
