Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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