The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
