this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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