I hate your face
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
