I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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