She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
