Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Let's get the cat blown out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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