I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
